Emotional Regulation: The Art of Staying Steady in a Storm
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you are going to get (if you do not know the film reference ask someone born in the 80’s).
Life has a habit of throwing challenges our way – the car breaks down, someone we love dies, we lose our job, it is getting close to Christmas and we have no money for presents.
Life is a rollercoaster (this time a song reference), one moment you are riding along steadily and the next moment you are upside down, going through tunnels and screaming for things to stop.
Emotional regulation is not about having no challenges, smiling all the time or pushing emotions away; it is about recognising emotions are there and having a choice about how to respond to them. It is a skill which can be practiced and learnt at any age.
Why Emotional Regulation matters
Your emotions are not the enemy or the problem; they are simply messages and signals that something is wrong and needs attention. If we ignore them, they become overwhelming and loud.
When you regulate your emotions, you respond rather than react, think clearly under pressure and make choices which align with your values. It is like you are steering your own ship through the storm.
Emotional regulation is not about responding perfectly; it is about being aware of what is happening, practicing more helpful ways to respond and being kind to yourself.
Emotional Regulation Practices
1. Pause: The 12 Second break
When emotions rise, the body goes into automatic pilot and survival mode. A pause interrupts that cycle.
Try this practice: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 1 and exhale slowly for 6 (say Elephant to count the seconds – this may also make you smile!)
This simple pattern signals to your nervous system: I am safe. Those seconds to ground yourself and breathe, can change your response to a situation anytime and anywhere.
2. Label the Emotion
A regulated response starts with clarity. “I’m anxious”, “I feel disappointed”, “I’m overwhelmed.” And “That is ok”.
Naming the emotion reduces its intensity and gives your brain a sense of control.
If you can name it, you can support yourself to manage it. And allowing it to be there stops the fight against the emotion.
3. Reframe your inner dialogue
Your inner voice can often fuel the fire of emotion.
When emotions spike, your mind might fuel the emotion saying: “I can’t handle this” “I always mess things up.”
How about reframing it to be more accepting: “This is tough, but I can take it step by step.” “I’ve survived difficult moments before; I can do it again.”
Reframing is not about denying the emotion, it gives you the power to work through it and understand it. Rather than allowing our inner voice to increase the intensity of the emotion, we can calm it with acceptance.
4. Move the Emotion Through Your Body
Emotions live in the body, if you do not learn to release them, they build pressure and can lead to such symptoms as pain or fatigue.
Moving emotions through your body can include: a quick brisk walk, stretching, shaking your hands and arms, yoga, Qigong or Tai Chi.
Movement turns emotional energy into motion, which helps it to pass.
5. Practice Self-Compassion instead of Self Criticism
Emotional dysregulation often gets worse because we shame ourselves for feeling overwhelmed, “this should not be happening”.
We can instead speak to ourselves the way you would speak to someone you love:
“You’re doing your best” “It’s okay to feel this way” “You’re learning and growing.”
Being kind to yourself builds emotional strength.
6. Plan ahead for Triggering Situations
You know the patterns: the person who pushes your buttons, the situation that stresses you,
the memory that brings tension.
Plan your response when you’re calm: a phrase you will use, a boundary you can put in place and hold, a breathing technique, an exit strategy if you need space.
Preparation turns triggers into opportunities to change.
Purpose of Emotional Regulation
The reason you regulate your emotions is to be present to your life. Every time you pause instead of panic, breathe instead of blame, name instead of numb, you are healing yourself.
Regulating your emotions strengthens your nervous system and builds resilience. It takes practice, the more you do it the more natural it becomes.
Storms are part of life, so it is about riding the rollercoaster, steading your ship in the stormy waves and accepting whatever chocolate you take from the box.